Text and Hubris

There are certain moments along the way that I will remember. I will remember the email from Professor English that, completely unintentionally on her part, caused me to re-evaluate where I was going professionally and, in a sense, spiritually. It was her encouragement that set me on this whole journey in the first place. I will remember working on the Divide and the massive encouragement Professor Robins provided. I will remember Professor Sinclair as the first person I met who showed me that I could be an older student and still be successful both in the fields of writing and academia. Last night, I had added another memory. I spent over an hour talking with Professor Minton about facing the primary flaw that I have as a creator: my fear.

I am terrified of you. I really am. Oh sure, I can write a thousand political screeds. I can bury you in research and, in relative terms, elegantly weave my way through an argument. Those are just words, though. They are a passage of text which I pulled from nowhere deep and now leave on the table. If you hate or love it, I really don’t care. I have no investment in any of it. Greyrealm is entirely that. I wish it wasn’t but, if I am honest, I never wrote a single thing that exposed me. For a long time, I even took pride in that. To be honest, I don’t think I have to ever put forth something that means anything to me. My fear won’t allow it.

That must change. If I am to be anything, that has to change. I want it to change. I want this all to matter. I have spent so many years doing things that don’t matter. I’m tired of it. I want that rush of risk again.

I spent an hour talking about this fear. It was a full hour spent learning from someone with different experiences and on a different journey but who shared that same passion. In a sense, I learned to find my faith again.

Faith is a word I have avoided for a long time but somewhere in the depths of my heart I always wondered why. Here I am being provided examples, help, and encouragement all along the way. Every time I feel like I am about to stumble on this journey another arm is provided to prop me up and to teach me to carry on. How can I not have faith in that? How can I not trust that?

We are all adventurers in the grandest game of all. There is nothing more exciting than this life and this world. No fantasy, no fiction will ever do it justice. I hope that as I step out there into that great scary world that I have hid from for so long that I can connect with a few of you. I know some of you will hate me. I can deal with that. If my stories can connect and be recognized by those in this world who need or want to hear them, then that is enough and I will be content.