Text and Hubris

Thoughts on a lecture last night:

I am beginning to think the reason I returned to college was good conversation and to rediscover my motivation.

Let’s be honest. I could have done everything I have done so far without incurring the costs associated with pursuing a degree. I have plenty of people to workshop with and I am pretty good at finding more. I could have easily stepped up and accessed the on-line artist communities and learned about off-line resources as well. I read a lot before and a lot of the material we cover and analysis provided are available on-line and, nowadays, a lot of lectures and classes are also available for free. In other words, I am not in college for an education.

I lost something, though. I know I lost something because that whole long list of things I could have done without pursuing a degree, I didn’t do. Instead, I sat. I lost my motivation. I lost it in part out of fear and in part out of a real sense of inertia. My fear was easy. These things I create, I care about. If I invest time and effort to create something that means that I care about it. To have it attacked or called not good is painful. Although, as I have learned, it’s not as painful as I expected. The workshop I am currently in has its flaws but it is teaching me to take criticism as it is meant and with a serious grain of salt.

Inertia, though. That’s a tough one. As much as I don’t like my current situation, I am comfortable in it. To use a trite, but apt, comparison I am currently living the high life inside the Matrix. Why would I leave when the real world is all gray and nasty? My motivation is dulled, and the one thing I really took home from last night was the fact that if you lack motivation, so will your audience.

This is true, but it goes well beyond audience in terms of art or story. This strikes at the core of everything I do. Without motivation, without that spark, nothing else happens. Anything that is done will always be second rate. I can write an essay or a story with little to no motivation. I can even get an A. That doesn’t make the work good and it doesn’t mean that anyone will read it beyond the instructor and myself. The same is true professionally. If I am not motivated, I can still meet my goals. Without a true love for what I do, though, I am just treading water.

My audience isn’t just those who read my work. It is my family, my friends, and my colleagues. I need to bring that same level of drive and determination to everything I do. Otherwise, it’s just not worth doing.