This week I started work on a University project that seems right on target with something I would want to do. The organization seems pretty solid. I wish I had a bit more direction in what it was they wanted from me but I will hash that out as my time there progresses. I’ve only been there three days and I already feel like I should have produced something. Instead, all I have is scattered notes and a lot more questions than answers. Odds are, that isn’t unusual. That doesn’t make it any less frustrating.

The most frustrating part of the whole procedure is the fact that it looks like I will be repeating a lot of work that was already done before. I find snippets and pieces of attempted code everywhere. Most are from people who are now long gone and who never completed what they started. Now, I won’t be working on this project forever. I know that. I’m also not going to up and leave something half done. I will provide documentation and hand-off. I will make sure what I do is commented and ready for whoever takes my place.
I will finish what I start. I don’t want to leave a trail of unfinished ideas behind me. I’ve done that too much in my life. Dreaming is great. Doing is better. To follow through on what you set out to do – to actually finish it – that is the real goal, though. I need to remember that.

I think we all do.

Ah, who am I kidding? It’s exactly the type of job I was looking for. It fits my school schedule, gives back to the world at large and uses skills that I love to use. If the money was better it would be my dream job. As it is, it is the best fit for what I need right now and that is rather nice. Honestly, I am looking forward to going in on Monday. It should be an interesting experience all around.

So, work is handled. School is pretty much settled for fall and I think Courtney and I have figured out our budget for the year. It still surprises me. I know I worked like hell to make it this way but everything is starting to fall into place. Oh, I am sure there will be surprises ahead but there is a real feeling that what we’re doing is right in all sense of the word. I like that.

My writing is the only thing that really suffered over this time period. i just haven’t had the time I wanted to sit and write and when I did, I was too tied up thinking about what had to be done. It wasn’t the best situation for a creative enterprise. It’s also something that I am going to need to figure out how to work through in the future. After all, things happen, that doesn’t mean I can stop writing.

I was able to get another poem out last night. It was a departure from my usual fare and I find that I am still questioning my voice and my genre. Amazon’s little deal with Wylie was horrifying, especially to someone who wants to believe and write in the new media and digital space. Those of us who came here first did so with a sort of egalitarian ideal. This was open space and territory was ripe for the picking. We forgot that the ideals of enclosure were never really done away with and all that was needed was for a company, like Amazon, to set itself up as the sole proprietor. In one move the works of several incredible authors has been locked away behind the walls of a plastic toy. Even then, we have been shown that, at any time, those authors can be plucked away on a whim. It’s a frightening concept to say the least and almost enough to push me solely into print.

It’s sad because we have here, in this interconnectivity, a chance to recreate the storytellers’ circle. We can share stories and poems. We can relate in ways that we couldn’t before and that is exciting. Narrative and poetry can flow, merge and can be shaped by the tellers and the circle. That should be astounding and every author in the world should be grinning at the thought of such a possibility. Instead, the best example of this is an advertising commercial for Old Spice. Really? I mean really? Doesn’t that embarrass anyone, because it sure as hell embarrasses me. Yes, there is no doubt, those guys are geniuses. What that means is that our best talents in modern storytelling work in advertising. It’s not even enclosure at that point. It’s just the marketing of another product.

There has to be a voice for storytelling. People want to tell stories. They want to hear stories. I know that much. I still run a small Improvisational Storytelling Group every other Saturday. In a lot of ways, it’s no different from the tabletop RPG’s I used to run. The difference is that the players all are storytellers. We set the scene and we let it run. It becomes a shared experience. In the best example of this there is no guide, there is only the story. I watch people come away from this experience wanting more. There is a reason for this. Stories and poems feed something deep within the human psyche and no locked gates can keep that desire at bay.

Ah well, as I said, I was questioning my voice and genre but a resolution was found. The truth is, I couldn’t stop now even if I wanted to. This is a part of me that I hid for a very long time. It’s out now and I don’t think I know how to put it back.

And if I did, I never would…

Turned in the last of my company equipment today. I am now officially out of the corporate world. It looks like it is time for me to get back to chasing that moon. Honestly, it’s been too long!

Luckily, my qualifications spoke better than I did and I think it all came out well. Now, I just need to let my references speak for me and they are all fairly eloquent folks so I should be okay. This is only a part time gig and the pay is what you would expect for a student position. It’s worth it, though. If just to give a little back. Besides, with the combination of this, Courtney’s salary, and my financial aid (if it all comes out right) we just might make it.

To live life the way I want and still be able to make it in the world. That is the challenge I face. So far, so good.

Who knows, maybe that is a positive thing. It was easy to get compacent where I was. I let myself get distracted rather than push forward. Now, I have no excuse except my own cowardice and I know I can beat that. It helps that I have a wife who has been extremely supportive (Happy Birthday Love!) and a family that has rallied to my side. I am thankful for all of that support.

I go in to turn in the last of my corporate persona on Friday. After that, there is only the future. I already have an interview scheduled for tomorrow with a University project that is right up my alley. Hopefully, I can find a place there. If not, I have faith. Some things happen for a reason and I know this did. Life is about action and reaction. It is about facing the obstacles and makin opportunity. I have done that all of my life. I don’t intend to stop now!

I know I should be upset and there are times when I am. My discussion with the financial aid office on Tuesday was hard and I was feeling quite discouraged until that afternoon. I met with a professor and we discussed narrative, new media, and the possibilities that are out there. We also talked about writers as storytellers. Storytellers were the original educators and in that sense writers should always be teachers in some form or another. Now, I may never teach in an actual school. Even after grad school, I am not placing my hope or faith in a professorship somewhere. That doesn’t mean I don’t plan on teaching in some form or another.

As I left that conversation and headed home, I began to think about why I loved the tech industry for so long and why, in some ways, I still love it. Technology expands our creative ability. It provides a playground for people to share and communicate on worldwide scale and it allows them to discover and explore their passions for themselves. This is especially true when the technology is put in the hands of the people. When that happens, they start to create. They start to tell us their stories. Sure, a lot of it is going to be things that seem silly or amateur but that’s okay. They still have that opportunity to share. What’s more is that some of those people are going to discover they love telling their stories and they will go even further. They will become storytellers, artists, creators, and teachers in their own right. There is something magical about that. Something that truly does border on the divine and if you know me and my attitude toward the divine you know that’s saying something.

So that’s my birthday wish. I know that, in some way, I want to be a part of that. As my “middle age” sets in (and let’s be honest, I could live to 80 or die tomorrow so age is a rather silly thing, indeed) I find that to be my driving desire. Yes, tech is in my blood and it will be to the day I die. I know that, for the rest of my life, I will write and create and develop with all the tools and technologies that I can learn and use. That is simply who I am. Truth is, I plan on making a living doing it, too. I’m still a fan of money. I like having money and it is a needed thing (I’ve not gone that far off the reservation, folks), but it isn’t the only thing. I’m more interested in using the tools and building something that helps people grow even if it means my bank account sits a little smaller.

I’m not sure what that is, yet. I still have a lot to learn and a lot to write, but I feel good. Every day, now, I wake up and I feel good. That makes this birthday, this opening of my middle age, a downright miracle.

All in all, I’m not sure how I feel. Of course, I’m sad. I’ve worked for this company for over five years now. It was the longest I have ever been at one company and honestly, for all its flaws, it was not a bad place to work. I have always said, and will continue to say, that it is the best “big tech shop” in Cedar Rapids and I honestly believe that. I’m also a bit stressed. I need money. I have school and kids. I am looking at options now, but all the advice seems to say to relax and calm down before doing anything so I am doing that, My resume is up to date but it will need to be customized for specific jobs. I have a company to work with and I am looking forward to seeing what they can offer in terms of placement and support.

Beyond that, I am not entirely sure what comes next. I’m a little excited to be honest. I needed a shift, a change, and this was about as severe a change as I could ask for. It’s up to me to make use of it and I intend to do just that. I do want to thank my friends, my family and my colleagues. You’ve all been incredible and as this new chapter opens, I can look back and smile. Sure, there were some things that I thought were very wrong but in the long run we’ve all done our best and I’ve learned a lot from all of you. Thank you for that.

Oh and, of course, Text and Hubris is going nowhere. Hell, I have more time to write so I would anticipate a bit of a pickup. So keep reading. It only gets better from here.

Hopefully, I put it back om the radar today. I start a fairly important class on th 22nd and I need my work schedule shifted before then. I’m not sure what to do if it is denied. Honestly, I am just hoping that doesn’t happen.

With all the chaos, it’s been easy to get distracted and my work has suffered for it. That changes now. It just has too. I sat down last night and realized that there was too much as risk to let myself stay distracted. I love doing this. I love sharing and telling tales. I always have. Now is not the time to get distracted.

Of course, there’s still work. It’s odd living between two worlds. On the one side I find myself thinking about graduate schools and planning the next steps of a new career path while on the other I look back on what brought me here. I believe in the power of technology. I believe it has the capacity to bring people together and to generate not just that connection but culture. For most of my career, I never saw my job as a numbers game. It was all about communication. It still is. Companies and businesses come and go, I build and manage networks of people and computers because I believe in the power of communication regardless of whose name is on the door.

So now I write. I may publish a book. I may just take what I am doing and create some new media experiment. I am discovering that the possibilities are truly endless. What I know is that I must see this through and I must create. It isn’t so much a wish anymore. It is a need. I look around at the debris of failed attempts at organization and structure and I am emboldened by what still may come. If there is anything I have learned this year, it is that movement matters and self direction is key. The New Media class was an eye-opener in this regard. I watched and I learned that you can not make people create and, what’s more, that there are a thousand people with a thousand good ideas and only a handful of people willing to implement those ideas. I have to be one of those who implements. I worked my ass off this year. I wrote hundreds of pages of text, I risked submitting my work, I gave presentations, helped plan websites, and did it all while trying to work a full-time job. I loved every minute of it. Yeah, it sucks. Yeah, it hurts some days and some days I just wanted to break down. I still made it through, though. Another year, ticked away.

For now, I have work and my summer projects. I have the Abigail line to tighten up. I need to get more images and plan for the inclusion of a few more storylines. Really, I just want to make something and then I’ll see where it ends up. I need to work at connecting and reconnecting as well. I’m not silly enough to think that I have done this all on my own. My journey is only thanks to friends, family, colleagues, professors, and an infinitely supportive wife. Without them, well…most of this would just be vapor.

So, that’s my school wrap-up. Theres a lot of cool things coming our way. New technologies, new stories, new ways of interacting and a hell of a lot of new adventures. I don’t know about you but I can’t wait!