Text and Hubris

I spent part of today in a small concrete room that had just been built. The dust from the masons’ trowels covered everything, got everywhere. It was hot. It was dark. It was a nasty place. I had to be there, though. In that room is a switch that I had to make run. After all, that is what I am supposed to do.

I have to say that the construction workers around me were incredibly helpful. They gave me a light and aimed a fan into the room. I think they knew I was more than a bit out of my element. As I trimmed cables and carefully fanned the wires to attach new ends, I began to realize just how out far out of my element I have gone. I am working in a small town managing a network down to the physical layer. I live in the country so far away from any of the things I used to value that I am beginning to forget what it is like to have those things. I am barely writing and I miss it so much that it hurts.

Then I remember that college starts up in a couple weeks, and for the first time in four years I won’t be there. It is okay, in one sense. I accomplished what I wanted to at the University of Iowa. Because of that experience, I got to teach this summer and that will go down as a highlight in my life. I loved doing that so much. I can’t really express how cool it was to watch a bunch of kids sit down and write and create. If you ever doubt that human beings are storytellers, you are not spending enough time with children.

So I know now. I know I am not done and all the doubt about my choice in career and major, that nagging voice that so haunted me during that last semester, has been completely wiped away. I want to write and teach and build and create. I want to use tech and I want to show people how to make it their own rather than being slaves to it (there is a difference and it is an important one). Between the summer, this job, and my time teaching and at IYWP, I know that much now. So I am doing something.  I am going to send an email to Northern tomorrow. I hate that it is so far away, but I think it may be the best option. Their structure will allow to complete my both Masters and then my MFA.

I have another reason as well. I really want to take what I have learned at the IYWP and apply in the Upper Peninsula. If there is ever a place that needs free creative and education programs for youth, this is it. I need to trust myself, though, and not get sidetracked. This summer I had a whole development plan for the IYWP site and it was sidelined by the job and life chaos. It shouldn’t have been. If I plan on taking this with me, I can’t let that happen.

Of course, life and jobs can’t just be ignored either. Resolutions must be found. All of this is contingent on Courtney and I being able to make enough to survive. I’m not sure, yet, how we are going to pull it off but I am looking. I am confident we will find a way. Every time I start to doubt, I imagine myself still stuck in that dusty concrete room, sweat dripping, as I search for a way out.

“For the love of God, Montresor!”

I am always hesitant to post personal posts online. I feel that they, at least a bit, too self-serving. That said, I want to follow this through. My life over the past several years has changed in a thousand ways and these posts serve as reminders and hints at who I was and what I thought along the way. My opinions and feelings may change. I know they have from previous years, but this is a story and I enjoy writing and sharing it. That said, it is personal and certainly not of interest to everyone. Enjoy as you will, or pass on by. I promise there will be more than enough for everyone here and if not, well the Internet is a big place. I am sure you can find something, somewhere.

To be fair, it’s been awhile since I have had time to sit down and write anything. I haven’t been idle, though, either. For most of the last month and half, I have been hell-bent on doing those basic things that life requires of us. I’ve been job hunting and Courtney and I have been trying to figure out where the next chapter in life will take us. Sometimes those choices are not as easy as they seem.

I interviewed for a fantastic job this last Thursday. It is a position that I would have killed for a year ago. It is with an educational institution and it is focused on building and developing network infrastructure. It is the type of job that I could have stayed with until I retired and still left feeling that I had made a difference. The pay was less than the corporate world but the schedule is far saner and the pressures aren’t nearly the same. In every way, I should be excited and hopeful.

I left the interview not nearly so hopeful as I was sad. I realized that I am not the same person I was a year ago. I will always be a technical person. I will always be someone who reads the manual and takes pride in his tech. I will always be a solutions architect, if only for myself, and I will always be aware of what is happening in the tech world. It’s a part of me. What I am realizing, though, is that my passion for technology is tinged by my love of language. I am a student of literature and words. I live for stories and communication. I am even, at times, a writer (I even got paid to be one – if only for a second.). I don’t think I can walk away from that. In fact, I am sure I can’t.

When I graduated last month, I aimed at entry-level positions that involved writing and tech and I was roundly rejected. I have too much experience and too little. Rather than rethinking and retooling, I panicked and I ran back to my safe zone. I ran back to technology. It was safe. It was easy. Why wouldn’t I do that?

I have had some good success too. I have three interviews lined up and several more companies I could apply to on the docket. But the truth, that pesky thing, the truth is that I gave up too quickly. I loved what I was doing. I loved everything about my life and my focus. For this last month and half I have been so far away from all of it and I have sorely missed it. It is not that I want to be a student, forever. We are all students for as long as we wish so that’s not really an issue. I have missed writing. I have missed building stories. I have missed working on those projects that helped others write and share.

Why? I ran away. I got scared. I’ve been running and hiding. It’s safer, but it isn’t what I want. So, it is time to refocus and do what I do best: figure out how to get to where I want to be. I am still afraid but maybe— just maybe— that’s a good thing.

I’ve come to expect rejection as a writer. At this point, when I see that little form letter sitting there, in my inbox, informing me that my work has drowned with the rest of the slush, I can barely feel anything more than a vague sense of disappointment. There are even times when I consider these rejections as a necessary part of the process, a paying of the dues so-to-speak.

There are other times, though, where I submit a work that I believe to be— pretty much— a lock. Where I feel what the submission is really just a formality. That’s exactly how I felt last night when I kicked a piece out as part of a freelance bid. When I crashed last night, I was feeling pretty damn confident.

I got the rejection this afternoon. I’ll admit that this one stung a bit. It didn’t sting because I felt my work was judged or someone out there didn’t like what I wrote. It stung because I honestly expected to get it. I think that shook me. I wasn’t aiming for an agent or literary journal. This was just a small side gig to pull in some extra money. I was caught off-guard by the whole thing.

Am I disappointed? Sure. I’m not ready to give up, though. I’m not sure why my piece was dropped and, honestly, I don’t care. The chemistry wasn’t right and that’s enough for me. The last thing I want to do is try to be the type of writer I’m not. It just isn’t worth it.

So there you have it. A moment of experience from the front line. It can be rough and it does hurt from time to time but we get up and keep going. It’s really all we can do.

Good luck to everyone out there!

Ah the joys of Spring Break. The sun is shining and the days here in Iowa have been nothing short of gorgeous. Of course, some of us don’t get much down time. Courtney and I took a much needed long weekend, but I’m back to completing projects today. Time is ticking down and that clock is starting to sound a bit ominous. I feel a bit like Captain Hook.

I did do a couple things to improve my work-flow, though. I switched back to using Linux as my primary OS. Windows has a lot of great tools but I find I work faster and more efficiently under Linux. Simply put, I have a wider set of tools at my disposal and I can optimize the environment to my specific needs. I won’t go too far into my reasons here. Instead, I’ll post a couple of specific posts on Linux and how I use it over the next few weeks. Hopefully, it will be helpful to some and it falls in line with a couple of articles I am writing for another site that is in development.

With that clock ticking down, a lot of my attention has been focused on the next step. While grad school looms as a possibility in the future, the truth is that I am looking at my next foray into the workforce. I love academia. I love teaching and learning and I don’t think I could stop now if I tried. For right now, unless something totally unexpected occurs, that is going to have to be as a volunteer or for very specific classes.

I’m kind of looking forward to stepping back into the workplace again. I want to take what I have learned and apply it to different scenarios. I have the knowledge and I have years of technical practice behind me. What comes now is really combining my talents and abilities in different ways. When I first started using computers I do so as a communicator. I used them as tools of communication before I used them for any other use save video games. That is why I was such a Sun guy. I bought the idea that the network is the computer. Look at where it has brought us. Social media has exploded, people more connected than ever, communication is happening everywhere. In every second, thousands of stories whip past us on beams of light or in electric pulses that hum with a rapid rhythm that helps to beat out change on worldwide basis. I know it all seems like old news but there is still something really cool about what we have accomplished. It still thrills me.

Sure, it’s not perfect. There are a lot of issues to work out but that’s true of any technology. We’re still adapting and that is where I see opportunity now. No longer is this about the digital vs the real. It about the synergy between the real and the digital. If you want one reason why Facebook succeeds, it is because it understands that a real person carries his or her digital self beyond the the online space. It blurs that line until it doesn’t exist anymore. Obviously, I have my issues with this in some regard but this is where we are going. It is why tablets and smart phones are paving the way. People want to have their digital life infuse their real one. We as creators, as builders, as toolmakers, and maybe even as guides have to understand this and adapt.

I’m excited about that. I am excited about writing and creating in a totally new environment that keeps shifting at unimaginable speeds. It’s terrifying to be sure and I still haven’t found a door in, but it’s where I want to be as a writer and a creator.

So now I’m looking for options and even that is nervewracking but still kind of fun. In two months, we’ll see where those new possibilities take me. Keep your fingers crossed and if you have ideas feel free to let me know by clicking on the “contact me” icon next to my name!

One of the more challenging issues about returning to school for me is that it has, in some ways, actually led me to feel a bit more incompetent. After all, when one is starting over it’s hard to feel prepared and able no matter how nice that GPA looks. In many ways this can be a good thing. It helps to diminish that desire to coast through class and it pushes me to continuously work as hard as I can. In a professional sense, though, it does breed a sense of inexperience and lack even when that lack shouldn’t be there.

It’s something we all have to deal with from time to time. The danger comes when that sense gets internalized and we start to actually believe our lack. I know that is how it works for me. I find myself deliberately holding back and I don’t quite know why. All I know is that it reflects poorly on me and it has to stop.

Quite honestly, the worst thing any of us can do is give in to that feeling and accept it as truth.