Text and Hubris

There has been a lot to discuss over these past few weeks, but I haven’t really figured out a way to discuss things without getting a bit melodramatic. Now that things have settled, I think I can post without letting the drama overwhelm the message.

The biggest news is that I have decided to put off grad school for a year. The reasoning behind this is primarily financial but other factors did weigh in my decision. I need time to pull a real portfolio of work together and I want to make sure I know what my options are instead of leaping to hit a deadline. I also need time to develop my work and my style outside of the University. I do love academia and I think that writing and teaching are a big part of my future but without time to explore, I fear becoming little more than a cookie-cutter writing trying to imitate rather than truly create on my own.

This has, of course, opened up a whole slew of panicked thoughts in my head. The truth is that I don’t know what to do about a job. I know the tech industry and I know how to land jobs there. I don’t know how to even pursue a job in my field, right now. Worse yet, I am not even sure what my field is. I tried to apply to a job last semester that was part-time and for an organization that I respect and admire. I wanted to simply be an assistant digital librarian. I wanted to research and collate because that is what I had time to do, and it was something that truly interested me. I ended up being dropped into a coding position which meant a lot more hours and I had to quit because I wasn’t able to commit that much time to the project while still meeting my other obligations.

I’m really worried about that happening again. While I won’t have the obligations, I don’t want to end up where I was before I started this whole venture. I don’t want to end up falling back into my tech job simply because it is easy. I chose this path because I wasn’t happy and I wasn’t progressing. That sense of growth is important to me, but I also accept that I need money. That’s something I am becoming more and more aware of every day. Things are getting tight and I am feeling the pressure. I graduate in four months and I need to find something to stay on track.

This is the scary part. I knew it would be. You don’t decide to make a change this drastic without some stress involved. I also know that getting past it won’t be easy, but it is part of the journey. It is part of what I accepted when I chose this path. I know this was the right choice, though. I know that English is where I was meant to be and that the merging of tech and literature is the most interesting thing in the world to me. If you read this as merely my log of my journey then there isn’t much more to say. If you read this and you’re thinking about how terrifying it must be to make the change then I am here to tell you that it is. I still wouldn’t change it, though, not for anything.

I am officially back from my holiday reprieve; although, reprieve may not be exactly the right word to describe my winter “break.”. I am still in the midst of a winter term class in order to ensure that I hit my dates for graduation this spring. That’s made what is usually a quiet time something a bit more intense.

I am working on examining personal narratives in modern social networks. Specifically, I am looking at the definition of self. This is something I have written about earlier and I won’t go into too much detail as the class itself is still somewhat in progress, but I find myself returning to this idea and it intrigues me. I think I’ll be spending a bit of time examining this topic more intensely over the coming year.

As for this new year, what can I say? What has been left behind, for me, is a complete chapter of a life. My job, a direction that I followed intensely for nearly a decade and a half, now lies a half-year behind me. I miss the stability, but I love the opportunity. I’ve been able to work on projects and help people in ways that I never could and I have been actually excited and happy about the prospect of the future. In 2011, the stage is set but where does that take us? Graduate school, new directions into publishing and digital media, and even the idea of self-employment all loom as serious possibilities. I’m not entirely sure where any of that is going to end up. What I do know is that this is what life is about. It’s about exploring opportunities, learning how to communicate and teach, and discovering what it is that truly add value to the world around us. If I can come to the end of 2011 and feel that what I do and what I have done has added value, then I will have had a tremendous year.

I can only hope that for all of us!

Opening notes:

Text and Hubris is, primarily, a new media blog. It is also a blog that chronicles my transition from the tech world into the world of new media and, in some part, academia. It’s written for me and for anyone interested in the challenges that this journey involves. In many ways I am lucky to even have this opportunity and that is something I try to remember daily. As some of you know this summer my position was eliminated and rather than attempt to find a new job immediately, my wife and I decided that I should concentrate on school instead. If you’re someone who is used to working full time or more than full time, this can be a hard transition.

I found that I buried myself in volunteer work and in other tech work so much so that my schedule was actually worse than it was when I was working full time. Basically, I found a way to sabotage what should have been an incredible experience. This week I started, once again, taking some of that back. My advice to anyone thinking about shifting tracks is that it is hard and you’re going to slip again and again. Determination and drive are not the same as perfection. We can’t be perfect. We can’t erase years of behaviors and beliefs about what a job is and what a comfortable life means in a few weeks or even months. It’s a long transition. It’s worth fighting for, though, and that means dealing with all that internal crap and getting up and going forward. Below, is my experience from today when I took my GRE. I warn you now, it is long but it’s there both for me and for anyone who may be interested. Enjoy!
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So, I had an interview today. What did I learn? I learned that I am rusty when it comes to all of this. I used to be good at interviews but five years at the same job tends to dull those instincts. I felt like a complete moron. I arrived early, sweating from the heat and humidity, and then stood around because I didn’t really feel like sitting. In the interview itself, I didn’t do much at all to sell myself. I just spent most of the time nodding along as I was shown the project. A project which, by the way, is the kind of project that you just want to work on.

Luckily, my qualifications spoke better than I did and I think it all came out well. Now, I just need to let my references speak for me and they are all fairly eloquent folks so I should be okay. This is only a part time gig and the pay is what you would expect for a student position. It’s worth it, though. If just to give a little back. Besides, with the combination of this, Courtney’s salary, and my financial aid (if it all comes out right) we just might make it.

To live life the way I want and still be able to make it in the world. That is the challenge I face. So far, so good.