Text and Hubris

Yes, I live. You can all be thankful! This has been a trying time, but as with all trying times, I have learned a few things about who and what I am.

Sometimes, I swing so far between pendulums that I lose focus of the fact that there is a middle ground.

That and I am possessed of too many dreams and not enough of time.

So I spent time prioritizing, and then— like some strange exhibitionist— I decided to post it. I’m posting this because many of my readers are friends with an active interest in my life, but also because I it speaks to how I think as a person and what I believe to have value. While personal, nothing here is that personal, and I welcome input on any of it from friend and casual reader alike.

The Store:

I have been dreaming about a book/game store for pretty much half my life. Of course, this store is merely a metaphor for connectivity, community, and independence. It took me almost as long to realize that. I love the idea and if the opportunity presents itself, I will jump at it. That said, there are many ways to accomplish some dreams. Most of all, I want to work for myself and maintain connection to a community of creative and active individuals. This is one of those rules in my life. A rule that’s been drilled into my head since I was a child. Things don’t matter; people do. It’s funny. The older I get, the truer this becomes.

Post-Grad:

This is the big one and, potentially, the most difficult. I would love to pursue a doctorate in Comparative Lit. at the University of Minnesota. Reading through the program was thrilling and, honestly, I want it so bad I can taste it. It can’t happen this year, though. I have 20 days to get everything in and, frankly, we are still in the process of moving. Even if we were settled, meeting that time frame would be nearly impossible. I am not sure if there is a way to really make this work. I am looking at it, though, and trying to figure out a way.

There is a low-residency MFA program through Goddard which I am considering as well. I like the fact that it requires both critical and creative work and requires a teaching practicum. I would be breaking the sacred rule of MFA programs (never pay), but in reality this would work out better financially than attending the MFA program at the University of Minnesota. This is partially a shame because I love the Minnesota program, but I need to do what works best for me in the long term. Of course, the deadline for Minnesota MFA program is in 5 days which is completely impossible.

The important thing to note here is that I refuse to give up on Post-Grad. When I went back, I said I would go through to a terminal degree and I will, no matter what. I owe myself that. What this really means is that I am looking at all options but the sooner I start a program, the better.

Technology:

I realized my error here and, ostensibly, I may still be making it. I love technology. I hate how most organizations implement and manage it. Now, I am still working for a large corporate machine in Minnesota, but I am back to working on and being paid to stay on the cutting edge of technology. Hell, it’s practically a part of my job title. I felt I was burning out and I was. I was burning out on corporate politics, on working on projects that were scrapped or never used, or even worse underfunded and still expected to meet impossible expectations. This wasn’t the technology’s fault. I don’t even really know who to blame because the same thing happened when I left the corporate world (I just got paid a lot less to deal with the same issues). I think it comes from a dysfunctional approach in how most people deal with technology. I can write pages on this and probably will at a later date. Suffice it to say, it’s a silly mistake to blame technology for the problems caused by those who use it.

The truth is, I believe in the power of technology to transform lives. I always have. Right now, we are in the midst of an ongoing battle to protect our evolving connected landscape from censorship in the name of capitalism. This is nothing new, but SOPA and its descendants must be fought not only with words, law, and protest, but with technology as well. Before my hiatus, I spoke a lot of Diaspora. They have had some struggles recently and my heart nearly broke with the news of Ilya’s passing. That said, the one thing that Diaspora has proven to me is that there are thousands, nay tens of thousands, of smart, eloquent and dedicated people who are willing to build the tech to protect against these incursions. This has not only renewed my interest and passion for technology, it has helped me focus it. I was anxious to get involved with Diaspora and was just starting to ramp up when everything collapsed in Iowa. As is evidenced by my complete silence, this shut me down hard. Now, things are starting to go the right way. I am going to get settled in Minnesota. Then I have some real decisions to make on where I spend my free time.

I am not running from technology anymore, though. I am going to embrace it as part of my final destination and a key to my creative and graduate work in whatever form that work takes.

So, there you have it. More lessons as the next chapter of my life steadily begins to take focus. Things are moving slowly but steadily and I am really getting excited for what comes next. I have a job that I think I am going to really like; school is on the horizon; and I will have a chance to write in a space that has always been good for me creatively.

All-in-all, It’s good to be moving in the right direction again.

So much for that morning, eh?

After a chaotic week I found myself on the edge of a long weekend without my usual access to the Internet. I was, for several days, disconnected (I think I just shuddered a little). I could connect and interact in very basic ways but anything beyond that was all but completely impossible. Essentially, my communication stream became read-only. For a fellow used to living in a read-write universe, this was a true tragedy.

» Read the rest of this entry «

I love how the lessons keep coming. Sometimes a little repetition can be a good thing. It drills the lesson in.

This week I taught myself how to run and manage two complex application platforms that were critical to the running of our network. I resolved performance issues that were affecting the entire district and I did so in such a way that no one else was impacted any further.

In other words, I did my job.

To say that I am good at what I do is an understatement. I am an expert for a reason. I could, arguably, do this for the rest of my life. I would have money and comfort and in every way it would seem to be the wise thing to do.

Then Wednesday comes and I listen to a poetry reading, a benefit for an incredible poet who so impacted his students and his readers that they felt compelled to come to his aid at one of his darkest hours. I see the sign-ups flying in as the Iowa Youth Writing Project fall programs prepare to start. I see an army of young writers, many of whom I know and respect, volunteering to help. I see all of this and I sit back and I ask myself why I stopped?

I like to think that if I ever completed The Artist’s Way I would have already found my way through all of this. I would have found a way to silence the critics that now chat incessantly inside my head. Take my boss (please?). He is actually a good guy. He knows tech and he knows and his environment.

“I was reading your email and it was like reading a story. I mean it was really good. Then I remembered, oh yeah, he has a penchant for that”

It was a compliment. I know that. A penchant, though? I suppose. But I was beginning to think it was something more.

No, I know it is.

I felt like such a rebel this past year, but the truth is I wasn’t willing to commit. It was easy to hide when the money was there and steady. I faltered and ran and I have to say I am more than a bit embarrassed.

But we get back up, and we move.

I am ready now. Whatever it takes. It will be done.

I spent part of today in a small concrete room that had just been built. The dust from the masons’ trowels covered everything, got everywhere. It was hot. It was dark. It was a nasty place. I had to be there, though. In that room is a switch that I had to make run. After all, that is what I am supposed to do.

I have to say that the construction workers around me were incredibly helpful. They gave me a light and aimed a fan into the room. I think they knew I was more than a bit out of my element. As I trimmed cables and carefully fanned the wires to attach new ends, I began to realize just how out far out of my element I have gone. I am working in a small town managing a network down to the physical layer. I live in the country so far away from any of the things I used to value that I am beginning to forget what it is like to have those things. I am barely writing and I miss it so much that it hurts.

Then I remember that college starts up in a couple weeks, and for the first time in four years I won’t be there. It is okay, in one sense. I accomplished what I wanted to at the University of Iowa. Because of that experience, I got to teach this summer and that will go down as a highlight in my life. I loved doing that so much. I can’t really express how cool it was to watch a bunch of kids sit down and write and create. If you ever doubt that human beings are storytellers, you are not spending enough time with children.

So I know now. I know I am not done and all the doubt about my choice in career and major, that nagging voice that so haunted me during that last semester, has been completely wiped away. I want to write and teach and build and create. I want to use tech and I want to show people how to make it their own rather than being slaves to it (there is a difference and it is an important one). Between the summer, this job, and my time teaching and at IYWP, I know that much now. So I am doing something.  I am going to send an email to Northern tomorrow. I hate that it is so far away, but I think it may be the best option. Their structure will allow to complete my both Masters and then my MFA.

I have another reason as well. I really want to take what I have learned at the IYWP and apply in the Upper Peninsula. If there is ever a place that needs free creative and education programs for youth, this is it. I need to trust myself, though, and not get sidetracked. This summer I had a whole development plan for the IYWP site and it was sidelined by the job and life chaos. It shouldn’t have been. If I plan on taking this with me, I can’t let that happen.

Of course, life and jobs can’t just be ignored either. Resolutions must be found. All of this is contingent on Courtney and I being able to make enough to survive. I’m not sure, yet, how we are going to pull it off but I am looking. I am confident we will find a way. Every time I start to doubt, I imagine myself still stuck in that dusty concrete room, sweat dripping, as I search for a way out.

“For the love of God, Montresor!”

I am always hesitant to post personal posts online. I feel that they, at least a bit, too self-serving. That said, I want to follow this through. My life over the past several years has changed in a thousand ways and these posts serve as reminders and hints at who I was and what I thought along the way. My opinions and feelings may change. I know they have from previous years, but this is a story and I enjoy writing and sharing it. That said, it is personal and certainly not of interest to everyone. Enjoy as you will, or pass on by. I promise there will be more than enough for everyone here and if not, well the Internet is a big place. I am sure you can find something, somewhere.

To be fair, it’s been awhile since I have had time to sit down and write anything. I haven’t been idle, though, either. For most of the last month and half, I have been hell-bent on doing those basic things that life requires of us. I’ve been job hunting and Courtney and I have been trying to figure out where the next chapter in life will take us. Sometimes those choices are not as easy as they seem.

I interviewed for a fantastic job this last Thursday. It is a position that I would have killed for a year ago. It is with an educational institution and it is focused on building and developing network infrastructure. It is the type of job that I could have stayed with until I retired and still left feeling that I had made a difference. The pay was less than the corporate world but the schedule is far saner and the pressures aren’t nearly the same. In every way, I should be excited and hopeful.

I left the interview not nearly so hopeful as I was sad. I realized that I am not the same person I was a year ago. I will always be a technical person. I will always be someone who reads the manual and takes pride in his tech. I will always be a solutions architect, if only for myself, and I will always be aware of what is happening in the tech world. It’s a part of me. What I am realizing, though, is that my passion for technology is tinged by my love of language. I am a student of literature and words. I live for stories and communication. I am even, at times, a writer (I even got paid to be one – if only for a second.). I don’t think I can walk away from that. In fact, I am sure I can’t.

When I graduated last month, I aimed at entry-level positions that involved writing and tech and I was roundly rejected. I have too much experience and too little. Rather than rethinking and retooling, I panicked and I ran back to my safe zone. I ran back to technology. It was safe. It was easy. Why wouldn’t I do that?

I have had some good success too. I have three interviews lined up and several more companies I could apply to on the docket. But the truth, that pesky thing, the truth is that I gave up too quickly. I loved what I was doing. I loved everything about my life and my focus. For this last month and half I have been so far away from all of it and I have sorely missed it. It is not that I want to be a student, forever. We are all students for as long as we wish so that’s not really an issue. I have missed writing. I have missed building stories. I have missed working on those projects that helped others write and share.

Why? I ran away. I got scared. I’ve been running and hiding. It’s safer, but it isn’t what I want. So, it is time to refocus and do what I do best: figure out how to get to where I want to be. I am still afraid but maybe— just maybe— that’s a good thing.